Sexual fantasies are simply daydreams, imaginary and whimsical wishful thinking. Virtually everybody fantasizes sexually. Even children have sexual fantasies though these may be very naive. In the teen years sexual fantasies become more realistic and play an important part in masturbation. In adult years masturbatory sexual fantasies are just as important but for many they are just as important during sexual activity with a partner. These fantasies may occur prior to intercourse to facilitate arousal or during foreplay and intercourse to strengthen erection in men and to reach orgasm in both men and women.
Sadly, too many people feel uncomfortable or even guilty about their sexual fantasies, fearing themselves perverse by getting aroused especially if their fantasies are contrary to what they consider as marginal or unacceptable behavior. Most sexual fantasies are indeed about activities we would not normally act out; else they would no longer be fantasies. Sexual fantasies tend express wishful aspect of our conscious or unconscious mind, allowing us to experience high sexual arousal without being personally responsible. Fantasies may simply a fictional world where we can imagine acting out things we might never consider doing in real life.
The main benefit of sexual fantasies is arousal before and during sex. A rich and active sexual fantasy can add excitement to a long and stable sexual relationship. Fantasy offers an opportunity to give your imagination free rein and to play out roles you’d never consider in reality, such as having sex with a different partner … a very common fantasy for both men and women. Studies show that women actually fantasize more than men do. But fantasies differ somewhat between men and women. While women most often fantasize about sexual activities being done to them, men generally fantasies as being the doers. Fantasies can have enormous influence over sexual behaviour and may often be the major cause of orgasm.
The most common female fantasies include, being sexually active with her existing partner, giving or receiving oral sex, having sex with a new or different partner, having lesbian sex, having sex in a more romantic or exotic locations, having some sort of forbidden sex, being submissive or even being forced into sex or some sexual activity, fantasizing about a previous sexual experience or partner, or perhaps trying new sexual positions
The most common male fantasies include giving or receiving oral sex, having sex with more than one person, trying new sexual positions, watching others make love, reliving a previous sexual experience or partner, having sex with their existing partner, being passive, submissive or dominated and being in control and dominant.
Though most sexual fantasies raise arousal and benefit sexual activity of individuals and couples, if guilt over ones fantasiez is great enough they may cause a decline in the quality of a couple’s sex life,frequently, and personal relationship. This may most often occur in persons who have had a strict religious or authoritarian upbringing.When Freud, in1908 wrote, “A happy person never needs to fantasize; only those who are dissatisfied live in fantasy.” This was only one in a long line of misapprehensions as well as damaging stereotypes about sexual fantasy. In fact, we strongly feel an absence of sexual fantasy is unhealthy.
Theirs is probably no such thing as an inappropriate fantasy. Even a rape fantasy, which is surprisingly common among women, is not an indication a woman wants to be raped; nor does a lesbian fantasy indicate a woman to be gay. If you’ve ever been curious about any type sexual activity it may become “grist for the mill” and become a fantasy, a very arousing fantasy. Fantasy allows you to experiment with a sexual activity without the risks of acting them out. Whatever you might decide to explore n your fantasies is completely up to you so let your imagination excite your body into a wilder sex life. It is well understood that people who fantasize realize far more satisfying sex lives. They generally think about sex more often, experience livelier sexual responses and tend to be more experimental and adventuresome in bed. When it comes to fantasy, thoughts are different than behavior, fantasy is not reality. Our fantasies are safe haven for our deepest desires and not at all an indication of how we would in fact act.
Share your fantasies with caution! If you do decide to share your fantasies make sure you think through the consequences taking into account how your partner may react, or how you might react if they don’t like or are shocked by what they hear. On the other hand your partner may get turned on by your fantasy and make your fantasy a reality. Having acted on your fantasy you may in the end wonder why you were concerned about trying it all along. Hopefully the action will live up to your expectations.Whilesome couples will find sharing or acting out their fantasies might increased their trust and intimacy with each other, some may not. Keep in mind that fantasies are extremely personal and there can be risks involved in disclosing them to someone you care for. On the other hand sharing fantasies can be liberating leading to increased excitement and trust. Approach with caution!
What are some common fantasies we’ve had shared with us.
Amy, a 27 year old PhD candidate confessed her most common of several sexual fantasies saying, “I know I’m not lesbian and love sex with my husband, but there are times I get really turned on at the thought of touching another woman. Not any particular woman or anyone I ever knew. It’s more the idea of fondling a feminine body and her touching mine. It’s when Harry is fondling me I close my eyes and think about it being a woman. I think about sucking and licking her tongue when he kisses me that way. It becomes more erotic as I think it. And when he is down on me I think of her licking my clitoris and just the thought can make me come faster.” Pausing a moment she added, “Sometimes I visualize him watching us and getting very excited and then I’ll come almost instantly … and over and over .I don’t think I could tell him about that fantasy, though I’ve told him of others I’ve had.”
Sara, a 43 year old nurse told us, “I sometimes imagine meeting a strange man and going with him to a shady looking hotel and having wild and uninhibited sex. I started having that scenario while masturbating but now I think it when I have sex with my steady. I think it started when masturbating because I wouldn’t be judged by a stranger who was there for the same reason as me. Someone I’d never see again. It’s carried over into our sex, especially when I want to try something new.”
Francine, a 39 year old police woman told us, “I think you’ll think I’m some kind of kinky nut case, but though I don’t think I’d ever try it, group sex is one of my more exciting recurrent fantasies. The thought of being nude in front of a bunch of people who are also naked and allowing both the men and women to touch and penetrate me, several simultaneously is terrifically erotic. It just brings me to orgasm in a flash either if I’m doing myself or am with a partner.” We reassured her that this was a very common fantasy, the group sex, for women as well as most men. Then she added, “I think I’d really like to go to a nudist camp or nude beach with a friend … but I wouldn’t want to touch or be touched by the others. Guess that would be more like window shopping.”
Virginia, a rather shy 45 year old home maker said, “One thing I’ve dreamed about is to totally dominate a man. I told this to my husband a few months ago and to my surprise it got him excited. Now I go on top more often than before. It was always my favorite way to do it. I also love making him to go down on me with his mouth at command. I also let him know it gets me aroused when he begs me to do certain things to him. He also pretends to have me teach him different things as if I were his sex teacher. I make him suck my toes and that is really erotic. I’m getting hot just talking to you about it. He’s going to really get it tonight.”
Jane, a 34 year old civil engineer said, “I fantasize about having a master when I masturbate. I picture myself surrendering to my imaginary master’s demands. He instructs me on how he wants me to rub and lick or suck his penis. It makes me come to an orgasm faster and more often. I guess it makes it all O.K. if I’m ordered.”
Barbara, a 54 year old post office employee told of her fantasy, “I think about having wild sex in front of anaudience. Sometimes I make it like I’m being watched by a voyeur who thinks I don’t know he’s there, and he’s stroking himself. The idea of knowing that others are getting excited and masturbating because of our sex act gets me very hot and excited. I’ll come and come and come and thinking of them watching me have orgasms just makes it all the more exciting. It all makes me feel sexier and exciting … almost worshiped.”
Read more on sexual fantasies in “Sex In The Golden Years” by Othniel Seiden, MD at www.boomerbookseries.com or Amazon or Kindle