Now that the announcement of the government budget deal and, far more critically, the Most Idiotic White House Petition Competition are behind us, we Americans can begin to focus on far more important things, such as Ben Affleck as Batman, a Star Trek: Enterprise reboot for Netflix and a rather innocuous but still agitating item in the news: the Health Care Exchange System Failure of Doom.
RELATED (NOT REALLY): Most Idiotic White House Petition Competition
Republicans are decrying the fact that the Obama Administration admitted it hired a campaign firm to help build the Health Care Marketplace website. Now that same firm is saying they should be held blameless for the flaws in teh website, leading to only 460,000 Americans and 300 Klingons actually being able to sign up. Ironically, this is actually not necessarily a bad thing for the exchange itself because when you really think about, campaign staffers are salespeople! In order to sell the idea of mandatory healthcare on all Americans, wouldn’t you want a salesperson in charge of such a critical matter.
Think about automotive insurance. In almost every state in America, automotive insurance is a requirement, even if you don’t have a car. Some counties just say “okay, you’re 18 now, so you need to have car insurance because, let’s face it, you aren’t truly an adult without it.” And so teenagers everywhere must go through a rite of passage which involves watching ridiculous car insurance commercials featuring a perky woman or a melodramatic green lizard or the Statue of Liberty selling them on the fact that by just tossing money in the directly of a bunch of money grubbing investment bankers with nothing better to do with their time than use the money to play day trading and lose it all on an investment in cryogenic horse semen storage facilities, they are, in fact, doing the responsible thing for their fellow drivers.
But we digress (though not about the horse semen part…we stand by that one!). The simple fact is, Americans have been using the Healthcare Marketplace incorrectly, which explains why the website doesn’t function correctly for them. Republicans can rail upon this all they want, but here is the proven system for making the Democratic Party-Sponsored Healthcare Marketplace website work correctly, step by step:
STEP 1: Turn on your computer – this is a common mistake many forget to do (“Dammit, Jenny! The screen is black!”)
STEP 2: Navigate to www.healthcare.gov and, whatever you think is correct to do, DO NOT FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS – this is a ruse meant to get government bureaucrats to monitor you through tiny cameras on your computer, then laugh at you while they drink massive quantities of Red Bull and eat Tastykake Krimpets.
STEP 3: Sacrifice a live goat (or chicken, if city ordinances do not allow for the storage of goats. NOTE: Small pigeons are also acceptable, but may increase lag time.)
STEP 4: While lighting numerous scented candles and wiping the goats blood off you computer screen, fill out every page in its entirely, and fully report all income right down to the sale of the silver 2 Reichmark World War II German coin the doofus at the convenience store gave you, mistaking it for a nickel (current Ebay value – $25).
STEP 5: Blow up several balloons and pop them – this is a critical, time-warping maneuver allowing you to get to Step 6…
STEP 6: Take several tons of blood pressure medicine…this is critical, as It will prepare you for the all-important Step 7 which is…
STEP 7: Pass out when you see that your health care premium would be $561.21 for the same coverage a dog gets after being spayed by the local free clinic, only you don’t the same quality of anesthetic.
Then there is the unofficial step 8, which is to simply call your local congressional representative, listen to hold music while they discuss how they are “working for you” only to reach some staffer whose opinion of you likely just a half step above pine cleaner.
So there you are, the unofficial, Step-By-Step Guide to Navigating the Healthcare Marketplace. So-called “navigators,” take heart, you will soon be able to do this for your clients, and still enjoy the same wonderful heart failure, pulse increase and colonic cleansing we have all come to know and love that is our federal government. Please remember, the IRS will be enforcing the employer and individual mandate, so be sure to notify your local IRS field office of your intent to sacrifice your live goat in advance using form 666-BAAH.
Unless you’re Kathleen Sebelius, then you’re simply in some sort of parallel universe where you don’t give a crap.