Does Kanye West know anything about fantasy football? Tell him he doesn’t and suffer the slings and arrows of a man who absolutely knows something about situationally-disproportionate outrage. Rather than upset the universe’s most important human (self-proclaimed) we thought we’d just give him the microphone (see Taylor Swift) and let him have his say. Don’t take any of his advice, of course, but also don’t tell him we said that.
Quarterbacks – Go ahead and start pasty-ass Eli Manning if you only need about four points out of your quarterback spot. The Kansas City Chiefs are better than anyone mother f*ckin’ thought, and the mother f*ckin’ Giants are worse. NYC deserves better, and so does your b*tch fantasy team. You should have drafted this fool’s brother. Start anyone else.
Running Backs – Darren McFadden is pictured, yeah, but it’s because I like the uniform. What? Did you draft Darren McFadden? Stupid. Did you perpetrate that stupidity before the fifth round, or after your sixth beer? Then it’s your own damn problem. Be happy, n stupid, he’s playing the damn Redskins this week. Play him. Then trade him. Then check yourself.
Tight Ends – The tight end is to football what the flight attendant is to rocket science. F’ing useless. What’s the point of running out some hippopotamus that can catch a little bit? You know what an extra lineman would do for a quarterback? Almost as much as an extra dude with a genuine pair of hands who’s also fast. Damn. This Rob Gronkowski is supposed to be the next greatest tight end. That’s like winning a Most-Imporved award. Congratu-f’ing-lations! Doorstops have more relevance.
Flex – Play Michael Vick as your flex. You better have him. You shoulda been able to get him cheap after that Chiefs game. If you can’t use quarterbacks in the flex spot in your league, then sick a dog on the ignorant b*stard who’s running it.
Defense – The 11 fools on the side of the ball that has the ball hold 111% of the fan interest. By the nature of the game, though, which demands they share the field with a bunch of other guys, the offense commands a notably low percentage of the money. If the NFL could figure out how to get rid of defenses, they would have fewer fools to pay. If your fantasy league commissioner won’t eliminate defenses, find another league.
The Crowd – The Denver Broncos are good now, and no one gives a f*ck. It’s because you wear orange. Orange! People who pick up trash for a living look down upon those who pick up trash on weekends on the freeway, and the simple differentiating factor is that the former doesn’t have to wear a demeaning orange vest. What does this have to do with fantasy football? Nothin’. I hate mother f*ckin’ fantasy football..and orange. Who’s payin’ attention?
When consulted regarding kickers, Kanye West was..nonplussed. Mr. West felt his time would be better spent picking his teeth or erasing tweets he regretted sending to a comedian he let offend him recently.
If you do have an actual fantasy football kicker question, Kanye’s twitter handle is @kanyewest. Good luck to you.