Every aspect of a relationship requires training and skills to move from the initial conversation, getting the first date, to managing a long term relationship. Captivating someone enough to exchange contact information (see the previous article, Mastering the initial conversation) is only useful if you know how to get the first date, and the first date is only useful if you know how to get the second, and so on. The first date is not guaranteed, even when there is a great first interaction. Avoid the following 3 major unattractive qualities that may sabotage potential first dates to increase your chance of getting that first date, and give you a chance for a second and third.
- You think attraction is enough. Attraction is a state-based emotion, therefore a number is practically useless if you achieved it solely on attraction. After the initial interaction, attraction becomes a distant memory. Communicate at least one thing you are passionate about during the interaction to create greater feelings of comfort, safety and a unique memory to ensure a greater chance of meeting up for the first date.
”Forget about the phone number. A phone number has no commitment. Make plans with her first, and only then request the number to call for details (The Essentials, 2012)
- You put someone on a pedestal before it’s earned. Personalities and emotions do not relay well through text or the phone. Texting or calling too much displays neediness before it has been earned; and so does being too emotional. Only use text messages and phone calls for building tension and coordinating logistics, and save explaining your feelings for when you’re actually in a relationship.
“Do not use the same means of communication twice, and do not try to reach out through more than two means of communication before receiving a response (The Essentials, 2012).”
- Don’t give up too soon or be afraid to take the first leap: Set up the first date confidently and don’t make assumptions about initial reactions, responses, or tone, especially via phone or text. First dates should be light, short and include the person in your life. Don’t give up if he or she can’t make the first date, offer two options three different times before moving on. Also, you can’t find someone if you don’t give anyone a chance.
“Stop texting women[ or men] that are unresponsive. Call or text her[ or him] three times, and if she[ or he] doesn’t invest, delete her[ or his] number (The Essentials, 2012).”
The minor exchange of personal information, such as the phone number, is just the first step in getting to know someone. If you consistently find the amount of new numbers in your phone greater than first dates, you may be displaying some of these unattractive qualities and sabotaging potential first dates. Strengthen initial interactions and avoid these qualities to get the first date, then maybe a second, and so on.
Benjamin Ritter, MBA, MPH, Author of The Essentials and co-founder of Suave Lover International and the Suave Lover podcast (subscribe on iTunes), is a freelance writer and a private relationship-and-social-dynamics coach in the areas of public health, fitness, and social dynamics, a writer and editor for Ask Men.com, and the interpersonal relationships columnist for ventwing.com. His passion lies in guiding and providing tools to men for overall self-improvement. For more information go to http://www.Benjamin-Ritter.com
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*Edited by Rachel Ritter