Love & Ammunition are in the Air
In the beginning when Jim and Linda met they couldn’t believe how much alike they were. They laughed and talked for hours at a time. As time went on they shared their goals and dreams along with stories about their childhoods and past relationship experiences. Never in their wildest imagination did they believe their fears, past hurts, and doubts would be used as ammunition to win arguments or dismiss each other’s feelings in the years that lay ahead. Empathy and sympathy became things of the past.
Wherever Jim asked Linda where she was at a particular time she throws trust and insecurity issues in his face. “I’m not your ex! You really need to get over your trust issues!” Jim’s reply, “If you gave me straight answers to my questions I wouldn’t have any trust issues!”
Whenever Linda suggests all of their bank accounts should be joint accounts he throws abandonment issues in her face. “Just because your dad walked out on you doesn’t mean we have to be tied to the hip on everything! You need to get over your abandonment issues!” Linda’s reply, “If you weren’t hiding money from me I wouldn’t have abandonment issues!”
The Two Types of Baggage
Physical/Visible Baggage – This is in the eye of the beholder. What a potential mate calls your baggage may not be what you consider baggage. These are things which give them a reason to pause when considering having a relationship with you. This may include your children from a previous relationship, a large amount of debt (possibly student loan), unemployed or underemployed, crazy exes you still have to deal with, alimony/child support you’ll be paying for many years to come, vices or sin addictions. Essentially your baggage is anything a potential mate fears will impact their life in a negative way.
Emotional/Invisible Baggage – The feelings you have and the stories you tell about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your current relationships.
Anyone who has lived for more than a decade has accumulated some emotional baggage in their life. Some of us eventually do some introspective thinking and learn how to stop letting our past hold us back. Others of us continue walking the treadmill of life making the same mistakes over and over again as we continue to blame others for our pain without learning anything from the past.
It’s About You Not Me
These days everyone seems to be an “armchair therapist” especially in troubled relationships. One or both people in the relationship are all too happy to point out the other person’s shortcomings. Having said that it’s true everyone has traits that others despise about them. More often than not if people love themselves or are happy with whom they are, odds are they will not be addressing any perceived “baggage” their mate accuses them of carrying.
On the other hand if they’re unhappy with how their life and relationships are going they may be incline to take a step back and examine themselves. The desire for real change always comes from within. Having your mate point out your shortcomings is likely to cause you to remind them that they have not walked on water lately either. From their point of view this would be described as being “defensive”. Unfortunately there are some people that allow their mates to beat them down or cause them to develop an inferiority complex. They try to become whatever their mate wants them to become.
If you or your mate needs to change your (core being) in order to make the relationship work then there is a good chance you both selected the wrong mate. Attempting to change someone usually leads to frustration on your part and resentment on the part of your mate. Ultimately everyone is looking for someone who will love and accept them for who they are.
“Love isn’t finding a perfect person. It’s seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen
Life is a personal journey. There is no such thing as a “universal deal breaker”. Anything you can come up with there is someone living under those conditions with (no) plans to go anywhere! There are worse things than being dumped for being you. Everyone is entitled to have their own “deal breakers” and it makes very little sense to change for (your ex). Otherwise we’d all be reinventing ourselves after every failed relationship! At some point in life you have to love yourself warts and all.
My point is only you can acknowledge your “baggage” and you won’t do that unless you are unhappy with your life. If you want something different you have to do something different! Oftentimes the reason why one person dislikes you is the same reason why another person is “crazy about you”.
Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself !